Goofus and Gallant
by Dr. Chainsnap, aka, Shorta Yuasa, Wachusett NEMBA

Gallant –

Introduces himself to everyone. Compliments them on their bikes. Describes his riding level as "intermediate but willing to ride at all levels." Before heading out, asks if anyone needs to use any of his tools for last minute tuning, and offers the extra water he has in his car to an appreciative crowd. Makes polite jokes to start, staying away from politics, sex, and religion. He volunteers to ride in the back of the pack to pick up stragglers.

Goofus-

Screeches into the parking area seconds before start time yelling, "yo, hold up!" Instead of introducing himself, demands a pump, chain lube, and a helmet from people he's never met. After he's done making someone true his wheels, announces he will wait for no one once out on the trails. Turns to a female rider and says, "honey mamma, I'm right behind you all the way! Hey baby, it's cool even if you are, you know, as long as I get to watch…"

Gallant-

Cleans his bike before bringing it in for service. Patiently waits his turn. Asks the mechanic for his/her expert opinion after describing the problem with his shifter. Asks the manager's permission before posting a poster for an upcoming trail maintenance day. Greets all the store employees with whom he has cultivated warm relationships with over the years. After some more congenial small talks, buys a magazine and a pair of socks.

Goofus-

His wreck tracks mud and fresh canine fecal matters into the store. Interrupts a sales person helping a woman pick out a helmet for her little girl by saying, "go to Wal-Mart! There ain't nothin' here that's gonna fit that mutant." Whips out a Nashbar catalog and demands he will pay no more for parts than what is listed there. Insists all he needs is a new cable, even though the rear derailleur arm is obviously bent 90 degrees – parallel to the ground. Blows his nose on the trail maintenance poster, and stuffs packets of GU in his pocket on the way out.

Gallant –

Shares his large tent with strangers who didn't bring one. Volunteers to lead rides for young people, teaching them valuable riding skills. Participates in bike polo, mud riding contests, and bike limbo. At night, sounds of laughter from shared tales of past epic rides emanate from the tent. During the morning ride next day, ecstatically yells out, "my new frame is sooo bitching!"

Goofus-

Shares his tent with a bong. Volunteers to teach children valuable skills of keg tapping. Officiates and films WOMBAT Mud Wrestling and naked dual slalom. At night, the campground is filled with an oddly sweet smelling smoke, and strange bubbling noises emanating from his tent. In the morning, handcuffed and bummed, he tells the police officer as he is being dragged away, "yo, my new bitch framed me!"

Gallant-

Is the last one in the pool as he distributes towels and other water sport amenities. Dries off outside completely before going inside for the sumptuous meal that awaits him and his tired buddies. Compliments everyone on their riding tonight no matter how they actually rode. Makes polite conversation during dinner that interests everyone but offends no one. Compliments the host and the hostess one more time on their beautiful home. As usual, he is the last one to leave as he helps out with the dishes.

Goofus-

Pushes and shoves people out of his way as he submerges his mud encrusted body in the jacuzzi first, then cannonballs into the pool. Yells, "gang way, last one in sucks!" Shake-dries his body like a dog inside. Empties the first pitcher before everyone else gets inside, and replaces it with haphazardly poured suds. Takes great pleasure in mockingly describing his friend's riding as being "anemic and sickly." Burps loudly and compliments the hostess once again on her tightly fitting t-shirt. Leaves the screen door wide open, letting all the insects inside to feast on the half-eaten plates he had left strewn on the floor. Jumps in his car and takes off.

So friends, don't YOU be a Goofus!